January 6, 2018
I went bowling today for the first time in years. It was a little intimidating, since I know my bowling skills are, shall we say, weak at best. But I decided I was going to go into it not worrying about what others thought of me; I wanted to just have fun, try to be myself, and not be concerned that I was not exactly in my comfort zone or operating within my natural skill set. This attitude did not in any way improve my bowling score, but it did allow me to laugh at myself (and my bowling partner), and relax and goof around. We had a great time. There's a good lesson there: attitude and choosing one's mindset ahead of any activity has a pretty significant impact on how you're experiencing life. Since I'm moving into some new territory as we kick off the new year, I'm going to endeavor to keep that at the forefront of my mind moving forward.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Productivity
January 5, 2019
This Christmas break was marked by quite a bit of productivity and a sense of a fresh start. Sometimes when you are sitting in a place of comfort, a complacency can set in and make it difficult to continue with a sense of forward momentum. However, this past two weeks has been marked by a significant change in the household, which was marked by lots of furniture movement, lots of cleaning, lots of sorting and moving remaining items, and either donating or throwing out quite a bit of accumulated stuff that's been overtaking our house over the past few years. There's lots and lots to still do, and of course as I moved furniture and rearranged the living areas I found that everywhere I looked there was more to dust, vacuum, sort, and clean, but I feel like a forward moment has taken hold and has enabled me to create a much more comfortable, inviting, and peaceful living space. The goal is to keep it up as I head back to work next week!
This Christmas break was marked by quite a bit of productivity and a sense of a fresh start. Sometimes when you are sitting in a place of comfort, a complacency can set in and make it difficult to continue with a sense of forward momentum. However, this past two weeks has been marked by a significant change in the household, which was marked by lots of furniture movement, lots of cleaning, lots of sorting and moving remaining items, and either donating or throwing out quite a bit of accumulated stuff that's been overtaking our house over the past few years. There's lots and lots to still do, and of course as I moved furniture and rearranged the living areas I found that everywhere I looked there was more to dust, vacuum, sort, and clean, but I feel like a forward moment has taken hold and has enabled me to create a much more comfortable, inviting, and peaceful living space. The goal is to keep it up as I head back to work next week!
Friday, January 4, 2019
Just Like Yesterday
January 4, 2019
Sometimes months will pass between the times some of us see each other. For some of us, there have been years that stretched between our gatherings. But each and every time I see any of these women--those of us who started out teaching together years and years ago, when we were baby-faced novice teachers--we reconnect like we saw each other only yesterday. Time only brings us closer together, and that is truly a measure of a beautiful friendship.
Sometimes months will pass between the times some of us see each other. For some of us, there have been years that stretched between our gatherings. But each and every time I see any of these women--those of us who started out teaching together years and years ago, when we were baby-faced novice teachers--we reconnect like we saw each other only yesterday. Time only brings us closer together, and that is truly a measure of a beautiful friendship.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Lean On Me
January 3, 2019
When we were young, we looked to the adults around us and on the whole, we probably thought they mostly had things figured out. There was business to handle, and handle it they did. There might have been notable exceptions to the adults we thought had it all figured out--the weird uncle or the slightly crazy second cousin, or even the disheveled and perpetually confused looking high school teacher--but on the whole, we believed the adults knew what was going on and how to approach any circumstance in life.
Fast forward to now. I am--we are--the adults. And my goodness, we do NOT have it all figured out. We constantly question each decision we make, each action we taking moving forward. What if it's the wrong thing to do? What if my decision leads to consequences I didn't foresee? The reality is, we simply do not know. The secret of life? We're all out here doing the best we can, making our best guess as to how it's all going to turn out. The secret of life is that no one really knows the secret of life.
So what do we do? If we're lucky, as I have been, we cultivate good, solid friendships. We seek counsel and solace from those friends; we seek commiseration and celebration with souls who wish the best for us and, like us, are making their best guesses about how to proceed from day to day, and year to year. When you cultivate friends like that, you can roll around ideas, test out theories, offer suggestions, learn from one another's experiences, knowing that no two experiences are alike, but might have common ground. You offer to one another a shoulder to cry on, a fresh perspective, a belly laugh when levity is warranted or needed, a boost of confidence, or a gentle kick in the rear when one is stuck in static mode. We offer an ear; we offer community.
I've got a few circles of friends, and within those circles, we have collectively faced many challenges and joys over the years: marriages, children, diseases and catastrophic illnesses, accidents, births, deaths, new careers or loss of careers, infidelity, new homes, divorces, bankruptcy, mental health issues, and addiction, just to name a few. And as fate would have it, we often take turns with our burdens, so that some of us are strong when others need buoyed. Sometimes I am able to help carry someone else's burden, and sometimes it is I who needs a hand. But the hands are always there--hands to hold, to reach out for a hug, and to gently touch to help us remember that though none of us has it all figured out, we aren't all on our own making guesses in the dark. We don't have it all figured out--no one does--but we aren't alone, and sometimes, that makes all the difference.
When we were young, we looked to the adults around us and on the whole, we probably thought they mostly had things figured out. There was business to handle, and handle it they did. There might have been notable exceptions to the adults we thought had it all figured out--the weird uncle or the slightly crazy second cousin, or even the disheveled and perpetually confused looking high school teacher--but on the whole, we believed the adults knew what was going on and how to approach any circumstance in life.
Fast forward to now. I am--we are--the adults. And my goodness, we do NOT have it all figured out. We constantly question each decision we make, each action we taking moving forward. What if it's the wrong thing to do? What if my decision leads to consequences I didn't foresee? The reality is, we simply do not know. The secret of life? We're all out here doing the best we can, making our best guess as to how it's all going to turn out. The secret of life is that no one really knows the secret of life.
So what do we do? If we're lucky, as I have been, we cultivate good, solid friendships. We seek counsel and solace from those friends; we seek commiseration and celebration with souls who wish the best for us and, like us, are making their best guesses about how to proceed from day to day, and year to year. When you cultivate friends like that, you can roll around ideas, test out theories, offer suggestions, learn from one another's experiences, knowing that no two experiences are alike, but might have common ground. You offer to one another a shoulder to cry on, a fresh perspective, a belly laugh when levity is warranted or needed, a boost of confidence, or a gentle kick in the rear when one is stuck in static mode. We offer an ear; we offer community.
I've got a few circles of friends, and within those circles, we have collectively faced many challenges and joys over the years: marriages, children, diseases and catastrophic illnesses, accidents, births, deaths, new careers or loss of careers, infidelity, new homes, divorces, bankruptcy, mental health issues, and addiction, just to name a few. And as fate would have it, we often take turns with our burdens, so that some of us are strong when others need buoyed. Sometimes I am able to help carry someone else's burden, and sometimes it is I who needs a hand. But the hands are always there--hands to hold, to reach out for a hug, and to gently touch to help us remember that though none of us has it all figured out, we aren't all on our own making guesses in the dark. We don't have it all figured out--no one does--but we aren't alone, and sometimes, that makes all the difference.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Rise
January 2, 2019
There are quite a few people I know who choose a focus word as a New Year resolution of sorts--one they can center in on as a priority in their life for the upcoming year. I like the idea. I've never done it before, but I'd like to think it could help direct my energy moving forward. (I'm not going to lie; there's also a great likelihood that I'll forget it, in which case, no harm, no foul, right?) Maybe I'll write it on my mirror to remember. Anyway, I believe I shall claim the word "RISE" my word for 2019. As in, "Rise above". As in "Rise from the ashes like a phoenix". As in, "Rise and look ahead to all the possibility before you." As in "Rise, Baby--I can't be kept down. You wanna throw a wrench in the works and bring me to my knees? Bring it! I'll rise higher than I ever thought I could soar, bigger and brighter and better-- a beacon in the night shining down." That kind of rise.
RISE.
There are quite a few people I know who choose a focus word as a New Year resolution of sorts--one they can center in on as a priority in their life for the upcoming year. I like the idea. I've never done it before, but I'd like to think it could help direct my energy moving forward. (I'm not going to lie; there's also a great likelihood that I'll forget it, in which case, no harm, no foul, right?) Maybe I'll write it on my mirror to remember. Anyway, I believe I shall claim the word "RISE" my word for 2019. As in, "Rise above". As in "Rise from the ashes like a phoenix". As in, "Rise and look ahead to all the possibility before you." As in "Rise, Baby--I can't be kept down. You wanna throw a wrench in the works and bring me to my knees? Bring it! I'll rise higher than I ever thought I could soar, bigger and brighter and better-- a beacon in the night shining down." That kind of rise.
RISE.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
New Year, Looking Forward
January 1, 2019
The new year traditionally is marked by a pause for reflection, resolution, and recommitment to those things we feel represent growth and truth for us. This year, more than most, I have been confronted with that reflection rather harshly. Having seen one particular path for my future--one I was happy with and looking forward to the continued adventure --the path suddenly and violently veered off into the unknown. To diverge from someone who is an intricate part of one's world, be it a lover, a friend, or even a family member, is a difficult, messy business. To discover a betrayal of faith and trust requires deep soul searching in order to progress and to look forward, instead of being stuck looking back.
There is a strange sense in this aftermath of needing to look backward at the what-ifs and the whys of the situation. The how-can-it-be-so-easy-for someone-to-do-this-to-me? kind of feeling. The what-could-I-have-done-differently? And sometimes that answer to that is simply to be someone you're not, though that clearly can't be the right answer. But let me tell you, that's a difficult train of thought to escape. Because after all, if one is loveable, how can someone treat them so unlovingly? It's a trap, though, because although we all have flaws, and both people can contribute to the unraveling of what was once steadfast, in the end, we cannot and should not control each other's emotions or actions. One person's betrayal is exactly that- that person's betrayal, and not a commentary on the loveability or unloveability of the other person. That is their choice alone to own. I could say that they will regret it, I could even wish it. But I don't know that to be true. Perhaps it will lead to something even better, and if this is truly a person I love, wouldn't I wish happiness for them? And if they regret it, do I want to 'earn' connection through regret? No, I want connection with someone who chooses me in joy, not out of regret. We all deserve to be chosen, to be with people who count themselves fortunate in our company. One can be mired in the past, attempting to regain the path once traveled, but that path has been erased; it no longer exists in that form. That does not mean that a new path can't be forged eventually, but it can't be found by looking back; only by looking forward.
So forward we go. And in looking forward, the most important thing to remember is that if one's desire to remain connected changes, that is their reality. And they are entitled to that reality. It just doesn't get to define me and my reality. I cannot be mad at them, and I can't fault them for their feelings. However, I can't let it make me question my own worth, my own value, my own loveability. I have said my mantra this year will be "I am enough" in response to being told that who I am isn't enough. (And just because I was told this doesn't mean I have to wear it as a badge.) In rethinking and reflecting, though, I have to say my mantra should be "Good enough isn't good enough". I cannot be content to try to be "good enough" for others or myself; I need to find people who recognize my value and aren't settling for "good enough". Certainly I am looking to better myself, as many of us do, especially at the time of year, but I deserve to surround myself with people who don't make me feel as if I need to prove that I am worthy. And if that path leads me to new paths I never expected to travel, and if that path leads me so far away from my original path that the roads don't cross again, that will have to be good enough. If I spend my time looking forward, instead of back, focusing on my own definition of self rather than seeing my worth through another's eyes, then perhaps my occasional glances looking back will be ones filled with fondness for a distant time that once was, rather than a path of loss and regret.
The new year traditionally is marked by a pause for reflection, resolution, and recommitment to those things we feel represent growth and truth for us. This year, more than most, I have been confronted with that reflection rather harshly. Having seen one particular path for my future--one I was happy with and looking forward to the continued adventure --the path suddenly and violently veered off into the unknown. To diverge from someone who is an intricate part of one's world, be it a lover, a friend, or even a family member, is a difficult, messy business. To discover a betrayal of faith and trust requires deep soul searching in order to progress and to look forward, instead of being stuck looking back.
There is a strange sense in this aftermath of needing to look backward at the what-ifs and the whys of the situation. The how-can-it-be-so-easy-for someone-to-do-this-to-me? kind of feeling. The what-could-I-have-done-differently? And sometimes that answer to that is simply to be someone you're not, though that clearly can't be the right answer. But let me tell you, that's a difficult train of thought to escape. Because after all, if one is loveable, how can someone treat them so unlovingly? It's a trap, though, because although we all have flaws, and both people can contribute to the unraveling of what was once steadfast, in the end, we cannot and should not control each other's emotions or actions. One person's betrayal is exactly that- that person's betrayal, and not a commentary on the loveability or unloveability of the other person. That is their choice alone to own. I could say that they will regret it, I could even wish it. But I don't know that to be true. Perhaps it will lead to something even better, and if this is truly a person I love, wouldn't I wish happiness for them? And if they regret it, do I want to 'earn' connection through regret? No, I want connection with someone who chooses me in joy, not out of regret. We all deserve to be chosen, to be with people who count themselves fortunate in our company. One can be mired in the past, attempting to regain the path once traveled, but that path has been erased; it no longer exists in that form. That does not mean that a new path can't be forged eventually, but it can't be found by looking back; only by looking forward.
So forward we go. And in looking forward, the most important thing to remember is that if one's desire to remain connected changes, that is their reality. And they are entitled to that reality. It just doesn't get to define me and my reality. I cannot be mad at them, and I can't fault them for their feelings. However, I can't let it make me question my own worth, my own value, my own loveability. I have said my mantra this year will be "I am enough" in response to being told that who I am isn't enough. (And just because I was told this doesn't mean I have to wear it as a badge.) In rethinking and reflecting, though, I have to say my mantra should be "Good enough isn't good enough". I cannot be content to try to be "good enough" for others or myself; I need to find people who recognize my value and aren't settling for "good enough". Certainly I am looking to better myself, as many of us do, especially at the time of year, but I deserve to surround myself with people who don't make me feel as if I need to prove that I am worthy. And if that path leads me to new paths I never expected to travel, and if that path leads me so far away from my original path that the roads don't cross again, that will have to be good enough. If I spend my time looking forward, instead of back, focusing on my own definition of self rather than seeing my worth through another's eyes, then perhaps my occasional glances looking back will be ones filled with fondness for a distant time that once was, rather than a path of loss and regret.
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