Wednesday, September 20, 2017

A Letter to My Daughter



A Letter to My Daughter
September 20, 2017

My beautiful girl, you are already well into your fourth week away from home—longer than you’ve ever been away from me.  It’s quieter here now, and I’m missing the sound of your laughter and the day to day chatter at home, on the soccer field, at the track, on the pool deck, and in the car. So, so many hours in the car! Although I sometimes wished you could cart yourself off to practice or to youth group in these past couple of years, I almost feel that your incredible commitment to NOT getting your license while you were in school was an inadvertent gift to me, because it afforded us so much time together.  Your sister was already grown and living her life in L.A., and although your brother was still at home, he was keen to exercise the freedom that all young college men with the keys to their own cars yearn for. 

So that left you and me, Kid, with lots of things to talk about, great and small.  And I cherish those times, whether we were talking about where you wanted to go to college and whether or not we could make it work financially, or talking about your friends and all your exploits together, or talking about your passions—church, photography, sports, or even talking about which Starbucks drink you were trying to talk me into buying you on the way home from school.  And even though we spent so much time together, I still feel like there were things I should have said—things I want you to know as you are creating a new life for yourself in your home away from home at college.  You’re going to have incredible experiences in college, but you might have some pretty rotten ones, too, and it makes me sad that I won’t be there by your side to help you navigate those experiences.  That’s okay, though.  It’s the way it’s supposed to be, and I’ll probably have a harder time with it than you will, truth be told.  Still, I’ll share a couple of bits of wisdom and advice that you probably know, but that I want you to hear again anyway:

First, I am incredibly proud of you.  Your determination and perseverance have surprised and delighted me since literally before you were born (that’s a story for another day).  Those traits have propelled you to challenge yourself both physically and intellectually, and have paved the way for you to become the independent young woman you are.  You know what you want, and you are ready to climb any mountain that stands in your way.  At the same time, you have a giving and loving spirit that gives you a heart of service, which is something I dearly love about you.

That determination and perseverance goes a long way.  However, sometimes, no matter how hard we work or push ourselves, circumstances beyond our control can thwart us.  Things aren’t always going to go your way; it’s a fact of life.  Sometimes, things will be downright awful.  We can’t control everything, but we can control how we respond.  Use your creativity to look at a problem in a new light, or to reframe the situation so that you can learn and grow from it.  Failure is only failure it you choose to view it as such.

You’re going to make mistakes.  Sometimes you won’t know you’re making a mistake until it’s too late, and sometimes you’ll make a mistake knowing full well it’s the wrong choice but in the moment you let your impulse take over, instead of your brain.  Just know that when—not if—you make a poor choice as you are learning to be an adult, I will never love you less for it, and I will support you as you work to right that mistake. 

College has a wealth of new experiences, and you alone are responsible for making sure you get all you can out of it.  Get yourself to classes, make sure you take care of your business, pay attention to deadlines.  Also, meet lots of friends, get involved, be a part of the culture of the place.  Be the one, as you always have been, to reach out and include those who seem to need someone to reach out and include them.  Find balance.  This is so important.  And if you get a few Bs along the way, don’t beat yourself up about it, and know that I won’t either.  (A “C” here or there won’t kill you either—and it won’t kill me.)  Balance, balance, balance.  Sleep, study, laugh, play, learn.  They’re ALL important.

From your mama, you got a basic belief in the goodness of people, and I am incredibly thankful for that.  However, as much as I believe in the goodness of people, I know that there are a few rotten apples out there.  You know this too.  Trust your instincts on this.  Like many young women, it’s hard to face the reality that there are people who might mean you harm.  At parties, stay with people you know.  Have a buddy system where you and your friend check in on each other.  NEVER take a drink from someone you don’t know, or that you didn’t see poured.  Better yet, take your own drink.  Be vigilant about not being cornered in a place where others can’t see you.  Don’t walk out on your own after dark.  This is a hard subject, because I don’t even begin to want to think about my baby girl in a situation where she could be in danger, but colleges can be notorious for too much alcohol, uninhibited behavior, and ‘friends’ who take advantage of being unsupervised by parents, sometimes for the first time in their lives.  And yes, these things happen even at Christian colleges.  You have often joked that you are strong enough to take on someone who wants to attack you.  You are fierce, you are strong—but you are one person, and any person, given the right circumstances, can be overcome.  And there are fierce, strong, and callous human beings, much as I hate to acknowledge it, who are sick, angry, entitled.  Caution and awareness are strengths, too.  Use those strengths.  Know this, though, loud and clear—if you are ever attacked, accosted, raped, no amount of anything you did or didn’t do, before or after, will make it your fault.  Ever. 

Ugh.  That was hard to write.  I didn’t even want to write the word “rape”, because it’s so hard to wrap my brain around the concept in relation to my own children.  I thought it was important to say, however, because I don’t ever want one of my kids to be ashamed to say the word to me if they are looking to me for support and love and comfort as a result of it.

Okay—last subject.  (For now.  I am your mama, after all, and I reserve the right to disseminate mama-ly advice until you’re, say, 93.  Yes, I have spectacular ambition when it comes to my own longevity.)  As I have said before, this is an age and a time when you’ll be discovering all kinds of experiences.  You might even fall in love.  Many people do, in college.  Some people don’t, and that’s perfectly fine, too.  If the right Prince Charming doesn’t sweep you off your feet, Honey, don’t settle Prince Churlish.  There’s no timeline but your own when it comes to love.  If you do fall in love, there’s always the possibility of heartbreak.  You might love someone who doesn’t love you back, or who does for a time, and then moves on with his life.  It will feel like the end of the world.  Your heart will be crushed.  You won’t know how to be who you are anymore.  But please listen to this: you are a beautiful, talented, wonderful gift.  If you find a man who recognizes this and treats you accordingly, well, that’s a wise and wonderful human being.  But you are not beautiful, talented, and wonderful BECAUSE a boy might love you; if his love or infatuation falters, it does not lessen who you are.  This is a terribly hard lesson to remember in the depths of despair, but if you tuck this truth deep in your heart now, it will be there when you need to find your way back to you.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn—it took me many years to recover myself when I was young—but you are wiser than I was at your age.  And just like you may one day experience heart-break, you may also cause heart-break, even when you don’t want to.  You may find that the love you thought was there simply isn’t anymore.  Or you may find someone you find dear—someone you love, but aren’t in love with. This doesn’t make you a bad person; don’t hold on to love out of guilt or sadness.  Be gentle with a heart you no longer want to share, and be kind to that person who is, like you, a beautiful, talented, wonderful gift, who may struggle awhile to find his way back to himself as he is piecing back together his heart.

These are some of the things I think about now, as I’m riding alone in my car each day to the school we both shared, and while running errands throughout my week.  I am sure there are a million more conversations I’ll have with you in my head in between the short phone calls and the text messages back and forth, just like I thought about when your sister left for school or when your brother started college.  You all grow up, and you learn to move in a much bigger world than the tiny world of our home, but I want you to know, I will always be your mom, I will always want to share in a part of your world, I will always be here for you to offer advice or support, and I will always love you.  You are always in my heart, even when you are not sitting next to me.

Mama

Friday, July 7, 2017

In Too Deep

July 7, 2017

Summer in July. If you’re from Fresno, that means if humanly possible, you’ll spend as much time in the pool as you can. If you’re a kid in the 1970s in Fresno, that means every day, all day, flaunting the scorching sizzle of 105 degrees of unrelenting heat by splashing, playing, and diving into the deliciousness of the backyard pool. We had sitting-on-the-bottom-of-the-pool contests, and races walking on our hands into the deep end. We belly-flopped and did back flips and cannonballs off the diving board. We took breaks to run in the house to pee if we thought Mom was paying attention; we didn’t run into the house if we thought we could get away with it, because it was so much work to drag ourselves out and away from the fun, dry ourselves off completely so as not to drip a trail of water through the house, and peel off (and then put back on) the cold, soggy suit just to run back out and rejoin whatever games were in progress. (I know you’re judging here; I also know you’ve done it too. And if you have kids now, you’re fooling yourself if you think they’ve never peed in your pool.)

We had a built-in group of playmates, since there were five of us kids. Our next-door neighbors had ten kids, some of whom were older and out of the house, but many of whom were right there with us in our pool every day. Around lunchtime, Mom would often appear with a stack of sandwiches and some grapes or oranges. We also feasted off of the two mulberry bushes that were in our backyard. (Until we moved to that house, I thought mulberry was just a made-up word that was used in a nursery rhyme.) We knew Mom was in the house and was only a yell away in case of emergencies, but she didn’t often come out to the pool to swim with us. She was scared of swimming, borne of the sink-or-swim lessons she had as a child, when her step-dad threw her into the lake and told her she’d have to figure out how to get back to land on her own. She never got over the panic she felt around water, but she wanted us to have a pool. (She also paid to take us to swim lessons so we could learn how to swim in a less threatening environment than she did.) Although Mom occasionally passed by the kitchen window with a casual “Be careful!” or “Watch your little brother!”, we were mostly joyously, raucously, exuberantly free from parents, from worries, from cares about anything more important than which kid got to decide the next game that we played. Sun up to sundown, that’s where we were. It’s a wonder we survived without drowning or sunstroke.

Today we wouldn’t dream of leaving our young kids to their own devices all day, especially not in the pool. The dangerous part for us, though, was when Dad was off for the weekends and he decided to join us in the pool. Dad liked to rough house and was impatient with ‘weakness’. He’d jump in the pool and wrestle and fight, pitting his 200 pound frame against his 12 year old son, his 10 and 8 year old daughters. On the one hand, we liked when he would join in our games; he was a busy man and spent a lot of time at the office during the week days. There was always an edge, though—the feeling that things could turn at any moment. They often did. Riding on Dad’s back was fun; watching him swan-dive into the pool, seeming to freeze momentarily mid-air to cockily salute and wave to an adoring audience—well, we loved those moments. But inevitably, Dad wanted to wrestle us, take us on precariously close to the deeper end of the pool where he could stand, but we could not. There was something strange that overcame him during those battles, a competitive spirit that could not be tempered with logic or reason. He played dirty, not one to let his kids get the better of him. His signature move was to suddenly swing around to face whichever kid was trying to ride his back to bring him down. He’d swiftly reach out to hold us underwater, the palm of his hand planted firmly on the top of his opponent’s head—the ultimate show of superior strength and agility. To this day I can remember the feeling of being held, firmly and helplessly, under the surface, just moments shy of far too long—arms flailing, panicked eyes casting about for some means of escape, feeling the burning sensation in my lungs and knowing I couldn’t hold my breath anymore. I remember several times thinking, “He’s going to forget to let me up in time. I’m going to drown before he lets me up!” Inevitably, when Dad did finally let me or my brother or sister up from his vise-like grip, we’d either be angry (my brother, my sister), or we’d be crying. Gary even tried to sucker punch Dad in retaliation once, but a swift, sneak attack underwater is difficult to pull off. It set Dad off even more, and Gary was pushed underwater once again in order for Dad to underscore his dominance. Dad’s victorious gloating grin after these matches would be eclipsed by that impatient, irrational anger. He’d call us babies, he’d rail at us for playing the game and then being sore losers. He’d become enraged and said he wouldn’t play with us anymore, and then he’d either banish us to the shallow end or tell us we weren’t big enough to go in the pool at all and would make us get out for the day. He’d brood and sulk for the rest of the day. There were always arguments with my mother, too, when she told him he needed to be more gentle with us; he needed to remember that he was bigger and stronger than all of us. He, on the other hand, didn’t want to raise sissies; he didn’t want to have weaklings for kids. We needed to get over it and toughen up. At the same time, he seemed to need constant validation that we acknowledged him as the strongest, the wiliest of us all. He needed to know that we knew he was the alpha male. Even as a kid I thought it was irresponsible—unparental, even.

Those 1970s summers were seemingly carefree and without purpose, but they taught me a lot, too, about what I expect, and what I accept, from those who hold positions of power in my personal, professional, and public world. Back then, I was willing to jump back in the pool again and again, knowing that danger and anger lurked there, for the trade-off of my father’s playful bravado and fun that always preceded it. But I what I eventually realized is that risking my well-being in order to feed someone else’s insecurities is simply not worth diving into. Is it selfish to not want to drown under the weight of someone else’s baggage? Those hot summer days taught me that being selfish is sometimes necessary for survival.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

On Twitter

June 15, 2017

I read yesterday that Donald Trump blocked Stephen King on Twitter.  J.K. Rowling immediately stepped up and said she'd be happy to send S.K. Trump's tweets so he could remain in the loop.  This is all mildly amusing, if you don't think too hard about it.  If you do stop to think about it, however, you realize that the Leader of the Free World, of a country that prides itself on freedom of speech, is deliberately and purposefully blocking his own communication to people he fears will disagree with him.  Stephen King is only one of many dissidents who have been blocked from reading Trump's tweets.  You might say that it's only social media, that it's Trump's right to block individuals--I mean, I certainly have that capability on my own Twitter account--but I am not a public figure tasked with representing those I might choose to block.  Since Trump has made Twitter his primary means of communication with the American public--these reactionary, staccato, 140 character temper-tantrums designed to incite ire and deflect blame and responsibility--it should be alarming that he feels he is entitled to narrow his audience to those who won't call him out and challenge the veracity of his missives.  He both works for us and is supposed to represent all of his constituents, not just those who nod and smile at his antics.  If we don't recognize that his entitled view of narrowing the scope of available communication on Twitter as a microcosm of the broader intent to choke out opposing viewpoints in other areas of government, we are burying our heads in the sand.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

50 Down, 50 To Go



June 14, 2017




There are a lot of people, women in particular, who have a funny sort of relationship with their birthdays.  Like a number of other women I know, my mother celebrated her 29th birthday several times from—well, her 29th birthday—until she passed away at 29 (plus 33).  Honestly, I’ve never really understood the trepidation with which Mom approached that annual date on the calendar.  I love my birthday, and I’ve never been shy about proclaiming my age.  It’s a number, after all—a marker indicating another year of family, friends, laughter, experiences—both good and bad, and insights.  And, as the saying goes, having another birthday certainly beats the alternative of not having another birthday.

So here I am at 50.  The way I see it, I’m halfway through this life. (I’m an overachiever—I’m planning to live to the century mark.)  I used to think 50 was old, but it really is true that old age is way more about a state of mind than the year you were born.  Yes, I’m a little (a lot) softer and squishier than I used to be, and there are wrinkles and hairs where there didn’t used to be any.  And you know how some young adults outgrow the awkward phase and develop into stunning beauties? I think I’ll stop holding my breath for that now.  That’s okay though;  I don’t feel old, and I think it’ll be a long time before I hit that mark.  What keeps you young is watching your children grow and seeing them build their own futures and families, laughing and loving with friends, traveling and seeking out new adventures, continuing to read and learn, making new connections and seeking new perspectives.  I’ve got lots of places to go, books to read, and people to love in the next 50 years.  Starting right now.  Here’s to the next leg of the journey!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Graduation Day-A Different Perspective



June 13, 2017

Last week’s end of the school year was a whirlwind, and I’m just now finally having a moment to sit and reflect.  The baby girl graduated, and she did it in style.  With it came the usual senior celebration fare:  awards ceremonies, Grad Nite, Sober Grad, graduation parties, and lots of family and friends to cheer her on.  At the actual graduation ceremony, she and her classmates symbolically and publicly bid farewell to their now-alma mater and set feet firmly on the proverbial path to their futures.

I’ve always bristled at hearing folks say that the kids enter “the real world” after high school.  The real world is whatever world one inhabits, and students inhabit the very real world of high school for a time.  Once they’ve run that gauntlet, they enter a new world, but it is not one any more real than their previous four years.  It is, simply, their next new world for a time.  We all have many new real worlds that we enter throughout our lives: new schools, new jobs, new relationships, new mother- or fatherhood, new retirement.  Each step along the path becomes our new normal.  The new normal, Danielle’s next reality, is college, and all the hope, promise, excitement, and even anxiety that will bring.

In this new reality, she’ll be finding out who she is becoming as a young adult.  She’ll be leaving the relative safety net of parental dependence to begin the exhilarating and sometimes incredibly frustrating process of becoming truly independent.  While I hope that there are big decisions she’ll still bring to me for help and guidance, there are a whole host of decisions and choices that she’ll make entirely on her own—for which she and she alone will bear the fruit or the consequences.  I have faith that she has the tools to be true to herself and make good decisions, but we all stumble sometimes.  She will stumble.  I also have faith that she has the tools to pick herself up, dust herself off, and continue forward when that happens.

In thinking about Danielle’s new reality, though, I have to stop and recognize that this is not just Danielle’s new normal.  She is my last, as I have said, to graduate from high school.  For many parents, this is a cause for celebration.  (Empty nest! Time to set up that craft room or the new man-cave!)  For some parents, it’s almost a time of mourning.  (Empty nest? What will I do without my babies?)  For me, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of both.  But it’s more than just an empty nest, isn’t it?  It’s not just about freed up space in a home.  It’s about identity.  For nearly twenty years, from Child One to Child Three, I have been the mom of a school-aged child.  While that hasn’t been the whole of my identity, it did comprise the vast majority of who I was and what I did in those years—as I felt it should.  As I wanted it to be.  I have met and even befriended many of my children’s teachers, and together we have both commiserated with each other on occasion and celebrated my children’s progress.  I have coached soccer and Destination Imagination, I have attended more choir, robotics, and sporting events that I could possibly count.  I have made late night runs to Target to purchase poster board for the project that was due tomorrow (Tomorrow?? Are you serious??), and I have hosted slumber parties and study sessions.  I have been a study partner and a proofreader; I have chaperoned field trips and logged countless miles in the mom taxi.  I have fretted with them when they were struggling in classes, and I have rejoiced with them over hard-earned grades and well-deserved accolades.  I have become ‘bonus mom’ to a number of children I did not birth, but who have become part of my family at the side of my own children through the years.  Along the way, at every turn, I tried to emulate and model positivity, good decision-making, forgiveness, flexibility, open-mindedness, balance, joy.  I didn’t always succeed in these, but I hope I did more often than I did not.  I hope with all of the lessons they learned from books in school, they also learned lessons from me that don’t come from books—the kinds of lessons that teach you how to take what you learn from all the books and use it to help those around you, to make a difference in the lives of others.

While I will always be my kids’ mom and their number one cheerleader, the role of mom will be a different one in this new normal as Danielle embarks on her new path.  I will still always be there for her, and for my older two who have already walked down the path a ways, but what they need from me will be different.  Sometimes that will mean being a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes that will mean getting out of the way so that they can spread their wings and fly—or learn to fall—on their own.  The day to day minutiae of being a school-aged parent will be in the rear-view mirror.  Some days I’ll miss it terribly—yes, even little things like having to sign parent permission slips and shopping for Back to School supplies—and some days I’ll marvel at how I was able to manage juggling all of those little things while maintaining some semblance of sanity.  Some days I’ll rise to the occasion and be exactly who I need to be for myself and my kids, and some days I’ll falter and fail them, or feel I have failed myself.  I don’t know yet how to be the person I need to be in my new ‘real world’, because I’ve never been her before.  Just like Danielle, just like Nicholas and Brianna before her, I’m stepping into new territory here, and will have to learn to find my way.  I don’t know yet how to be not the mom of school aged children anymore, but I’ll learn.  I, too, have graduated, and am ready to start my next ‘real world’.