The Shape of Me

November 19, 2019

I was reminded the other day--not for the first time--that I don't look like I did 15 years ago, as if this were an indictment, something about which to be embarrassed.  Trust me, I know I don't look the same.  I own a mirror, and I can see that I'm 52, and not 37.  Now, 52 looks different on a lot of people, but like many of us, my body shape has changed over the years.  My weight has changed too.  It's not easy for someone who has always struggled with body image (like 98% of the women I know) to maintain a healthy relationship with myself.  Having someone remind me that it's a pretty good reason to negate the other fabulous things I bring to the table can sometimes put me right back into the tailspin of teen angst and insecurity.  Not everyone deals with weight gain as we age, but a great many of us do, and it's just not easy.

Now I certainly don't mean that I have let myself go; I still love to get up and make myself feel presentable for myself every single day.  I like to wear clothes that are flattering, buy cute and charming booties and heels in every imaginable style, and I like to wear a little make-up to bring out the sparkle in my eye and a touch of color in my lips.  I try to work out and watch what I eat.  But yes, as I was reminded, I do not look like I did 15 years ago.  Few do.  So I started thinking about the ways I look different today--a little personal assessment, if you will.

With the passing of the last 15 years, here are just a few of the ways I look different:

--I look like a woman who beams with pride at having raised three pretty incredible humans into adulthood.

--I look like a woman whose world view has expanded through travel to other countries and interactions with other cultures.

--I look like a woman who carries herself with the professional confidence borne of experience and longevity in a work environment in which she thrives.

--I look like a woman who bears worry lines on her forehead and in her heart for all the young lives she cares about in her classroom each year.

--I look like a woman who fought to keep her family afloat during times of financial difficulty when resources were scarce.

--I look like a woman who has smile lines on her face, marking the laughter she has shared with loved ones--friends, students, and family--both the natural-born family and the ones she's chosen as family.

--I look like a woman who has a twinkle in her eye--sometimes mischievous and playful and some times plain joyful--as she looks with love at those who have joined her on her journey of life.

--I look like a woman whose scars tell the story of her triumph over breast cancer.

--I look like a woman who stands tall, having achieved her goal of attaining her Master's degree later in life.

--I look like a woman whose plumper body is evidence of lots of shared meals with loved ones, talking and laughing and dancing together well into late night hours.

--I look like a woman whose heart has grown far more in size than her body ever could by living in love and optimism.

 Yes, I have changed in the past 15 years.  But if you choose to see me through the lens of one who can see only the outline of my shape and determine that's the most important definition of who I am and how I've changed, then my goodness, perhaps it's your lenses that need a little cleaning.  Have I changed? I have.  In ways both grand and microscopic.  My heart, however, and my spirit--those remain the same.  That includes the ability and desire to see the good in others, and the optimism that the best is always around the corner.  I'd rather be loved and supported by those who are able to see through lenses that illuminate that shape ahead of any other.  That is the true shape of me, and I'm damn proud of it.

I Believe....

January 7, 2011

I decided against New Year's resolutions this year, and instead decided to reaffirm and put into words those things that make up my core beliefs.

Things I Believe....

I Believe my children are the best gift I've ever received. I Believe that raising them makes me a better person than I was without them.

I Believe family is what you choose it to be. Family by blood is powerful, but it's certainly not the only way we make our family ours.

I Believe in God--a Universal Truth, a Higher Power--bigger than each of us consumed in our tiny, every day lives. It may not look like, sound like, or feel like the God or Universal Truth or Higher Power you do or do not Believe in. I Believe that's okay.

I Believe those who adamantly challenge others to prove there's a God are just as arrogant as those who try to convert people to religion through guilt or shame or fear. Spirituality and faith aren't about proving others wrong. It's incredibly self-serving to say that those who don't Believe what we do are somehow less intelligent or inferior than we are. It's dishonest self-validation.

I Believe I am a strong, creative, intelligent woman with much to offer. I also Believe I am a shy, unsure, insecure girl, afraid her offerings aren't enough. It's a dichotomy I live with. I also Believe it's a dichotomy most of us live with. It's part of being human.

I Believe most people--almost all of them--are inherently good, and deserving of the benefit of the doubt or a second chance. We all make mistakes, we can all behave selfishly, but at our core, I Believe everyone is in need and looking to make a connection with other human beings to fulfill that need. Call it the Pollyanna Effect if you like, but I would much rather look for the good in others and be disappointed every now and again than to expect to only find the negative in others and only be surprised every once in awhile. I Believe we find what we expect to find. We find what we're looking for.

I Believe true love exists. I Believe if you've found it, you'd better work hard to make sure it stays. I Believe true love is not a feeling, but an action--a connection that is forged and built stronger every day through respect, admiration, shared interests, affection, and laughter. I Believe there must be lots of laughter.

I Believe love between two adults, no matter who they are--background, race, gender, etc.--should be honored and respected. There's not enough love in this world as it is; it seems ludicrous that we are continuing to try restrict legal recognition of loving, caring human beings who have chosen to be together because it doesn't fit into everyone's idea of a 'real relationship.' While we're at it, let me just say that I don't Believe anyone else's marriage--gay, straight, or otherwise--can undermine or attack mine. Only my husband and I are responsible for keeping it what we want to be.

I Believe the people who have come into my life have all contributed to making me who I am today, whether they were a fleeting connection or are a permanent fixture. I Believe the past is important inasmuch as it is the building block for today and tomorrow and the next day. I Believe all those people are significant to me, even when I am no longer significant to them.

I Believe all children--all people--can learn. Some of us just need a different path, one that's off the beaten track, to get there sometimes. If I didn't Believe that, I Believe I'd be in the wrong profession. I also Believe that teaching is not for those who couldn't think of anything better to do, or were too scared to get out and find a 'real' job. I Believe teaching is a gift--one we give, and one we receive. I Believe I am blessed to be able to meet and work with hundreds of creative, fascinating, intelligent, and caring human beings each year.

I Believe that I am a flawed human being. Though I have traits I am proud of, there's a lot of room for improvement--traits and characteristics that are much less than desirable. I Believe that if I ever forget that and stop trying to get better, the end is near.

I Believe you are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to mine. I Believe we don't have to have the same ones, and can still be pleasant and civil to one another. I Believe, as a matter of fact, that we can still like each other and even love each other, even when I don't Believe what you Believe and you don't Believe what I Believe.

I Believe that there are probably lots more things I Believe, but I Believe these are the big ones. I Believe I'll stop there for now.

Beliefs and Values

April 6, 2009

When we are very young, we get our belief systems and values, whatever they may be, imparted to us through our parents or other influential adults in our lives. We see what they do, and how they behave, and hear what they speak. For some of us, the teaching is direct, and for others of us, the teaching is more through example, or experience.

For most of us, the teenage years are a process of beginning to question those core value systems. Some question those values in a loud and vehement demonstration that rejects all authority, some do it in a quiet, introspective way. There's lots of in-between, too. There's no question that that's why the teen years can be such difficult ones to traverse, both for the teen in question and the parents involved.

Now, admittedly, there are some who never delve much into questioning their parents, and there are some who do a complete 180 just to spite their parents, rather than through a conscious choice to adhere to a particular belief set. But for most of us, at that age when we are starting to come into our own and are beginning to navigate the waters of adulthood, we begin to see that, "Because Mom and Dad say so" is not a strong enough basis for a belief system. We want to know WHY. We begin to weigh the merits of this belief over that one, and why we should choose to behave in a particular manner and not in another. We decide what makes sense to us, and what perhaps needs a little rethinking in our own minds to sit comfortably in our own psyches.

Some of us ultimately come back to a values set that is remarkably similar to our parents' and some of us stray about as far as we can go. More often than not, though, it is a middle ground where we find ourselves, adapting to a new era, a new generation, a new social set of circumstances. What I find interesting, though, and not just a little disturbing, is the view that because I believe a particular thing (about religion, about philosophy, about social policies, about politics, etc.) that may be different than someone else's belief, it must be because I am blindly following someone else's values set (my parents'?) and not my own.

I am my own person with beliefs that I have wrestled through and considered deeply. I have asked the questions why? and why not? I have questioned the way in which I was raised, and the impact it had on me as a human being, as a person with a tiny place in this grand universe. And yet, I do not claim to have all of the answers. I do not claim that anyone who believes differently than I do is wrong, or is blindly ignorant, or worse yet, stupid. I can recognize that if someone's view of the world is different than mine is, there can be merit to that viewpoint. As long as one's beliefs don't infringe on the freedoms or well-beings of other individuals, I am open to hearing those viewpoints. If, ultimately, I disagree, it doesn't mean that I think that person is, by default, a blindly following sheep. I can respect their line of thinking--I can respect them as a person--without having to agree with their world view.

Ironically, I am not always met with the same open-mindedness. I resent the implication that because I don't hold exactly the same belief set as someone else, it must be because I am not intelligent enough to have considered the 'right' answer. There are those who say with derision (or worse, pity) that I have derived my beliefs from my parents and the way I was raised. It's amazing to me to think they believe they are not influenced by their upbringing--it is impossible to objectively dissociate one's self from one's childhood; of course we are all influenced by it. There are those who say because I hold this belief or that I am an ignorant follower--and yet they want me to, without question, follow their lead, because they have the 'right' answer? I welcome questions, I welcome intelligent discussion, and I welcome dynamic interaction that leads us all to a greater understanding of where we are all coming from. This is how we define and redefine why and how we believe what we believe. These conversations cannot be held if one side is only interested in mocking the other. It's interesting (and sad) to me that those who often claim to be the most 'open-minded' because of their 'progressive and unique views' (shared by many, often including their own parents) are the ones least interested in engaging in real discussion.

Like most parents, I hope to show my children what I believe about religion, philosophy, social policies, politics, etc. Even more than that, I hope to show them why I believe such things. Part of that why will be because I believe that no human being has all the 'right' answers, and that by being truly open to others' ideas, we all continue to grow and gain new insights. I don't want my children to blindly follow my lead, or anyone else's. I want them to know that it's okay to question why, and as a matter of fact, I want them to question why. Most importantly, I want them to know that when they have beliefs and values that sometimes come into conflict with mine, as I know they will, that I welcome an open, honest, and intelligent discussion with them that does not belittle or demean either of our viewpoints. There are too many other people in the world who want to make life's discussions a battlefield.