Monday, Monday

March 7, 2022 Today was one of my long days, with meetings sandwiched between my day job and my night gig. Add to that before and after school duty (my very least favorite part of my job), and office hours at the end of the day, and my Monday is kind of a non-stop frenzy this week. Weirdly, though, I got to the end of my day still feeling wide awake, energetic, and in a great mood. I loved my interactions with the kids today even more than usual--I love when they make me laugh--and I feel like everything was just productive and positive today. What a happy way to begin the week!

Everyone is Just Doing their Best

 February 9, 2022

In my night class tonight, one of my students approached my desk to speak with me before we got things started. She didn't even get two words out before her voice started breaking and tears sprung to her eyes.  She was embarrassed about being so vulnerable and emotional, and apologized several times.  She said she hadn't quite finished the homework because she had suddenly had to find another place to live, since she'd had a falling out in her current situation.  She had finally figured out a temporary solution, but the week's turmoil had taken precedence over her classwork for the week.  Poor kid! I tried to reassure her and let her know it was okay and that I would grant her an extension.  I also told her I was proud of her for speaking up and communicating her situation.  Housing instability is no joke, and interestingly, it's exactly what we are reading about in the memoir we just started.

There are people who might say that this student is taking advantage of my kind heart, or that she needs to learn to not let 'life' interfere with her work, which in this case is school.  I believe in learning time management, and adhering to deadlines, and adjusting to adversity.  But you know what?  If I was having a really rough time at home with something, if I came to my principal and told him, I would be given leniency and grace.  I think it's a myth that some people perpetuate that students all just need to deal with life and still maintain their school obligations.  The reality is that real life is messy, problematic, and filled with barriers to success.  And while we do need to figure out how to work within some of the things that make life hard, we also all know that sometimes giving a little leeway is all someone needs to restore their faith in their own ability to succeed.  I hope my student recognized that I recognized that it's okay to be vulnerable and to reach out--that one assignment or one rough week doesn't define you as a student or as a person.  

Still Not Out of the Woods

 January 27, 2022

For my night job, I've been back on campus three times so far.  For the first week, I wasn't allowed on campus at all, because I had been in close contact with Nicholas, who then took a Covid test which turned out to be positive.  Within those three visits to campus, I've now gotten notified twice that I 'may have come into contact with someone who tested positive' who was in the same buildings/rooms as I was.  They have also now told us they are so far behind with contact tracing that they are essentially just sending out mass letters to people telling them if they don't feel good, they should stay home.  Two and half years in, and it's still ever-present, and we still haven't figured out how to handle it.  (This doesn't even begin to address the winter formal we held at my high school, where we had 800 students in attendance and no mask enforcement at all.  I am holding my breath to see if there's going to be a delayed fallout from that petri dish of a dance.)

Wednesdays are Gonna Be Rough!

 January 19, 2022

For the first time tonight, I get to meet my Clovis Community students face-to-face.  I was supposed to start with them last week, but since Nicholas got Covid, I was in quarantine and couldn't come to campus.  Normally I try to teach Tuesday/Thursday classes with CCC, but this semester they only had a Monday/Wednesday class available.  My Wednesdays are packed:  PLC meeting before school, straight-through class schedule with no prep period, a class officer meeting at lunch, a two-hour CCC class at night, and then Family Zoom.  Thank goodness Thursdays are light days so that I can recover!

Omicron At Home

 January 8, 2022

Yesterday I wrote about how many of my students are out at school due to the rampant variant.  Guess what?  This week I will join their ranks.  My son is staying with me for a couple of weeks before his new job starts, and yesterday he started feeling under the weather.  Today I had him take an at-home test, and he tested positive. Fortunately, because he is vaccinated (we both are) his symptoms are totally knocking him for a loop.  Because the CDC has recently changed their guidelines (and because different work places apparently interpret and/or implement them), I had to check in with both my high school and my college to clarify the protocols.  Turns out I am not able to go to either campus until Friday.  While I am thankful that everyone is taking protocols seriously, this is especially bad timing because tomorrow is the first day of the semester at the college--and I can't be there.  At least I'm not feeling sick while I am putting together all the lesson plans....

Danielle's CBU Graduation

 May

I Love it When I Get a Happy Email

January 17, 2018

Although I finished my Master's degree in December, I have been waiting anxiously for it to officially post.  This week I finally got the notification!

Saying Goodbye for Awhile

January 8, 2018

I had my girl home for 3 weeks, and tonight she left again for Riverside to start up her second semester of college.  I have absolutely loved having her home, and I know she enjoyed being home, but she was so excited to get back to college, back to her new classes and her new-found CBU friends.  Even though I'll miss her terribly, it really does my heart good to see her so enthusiastic about her home-away-from-home.  It just underscores once again that we made the right decision in sending her to this school.  It's always bittersweet to see your kid leave for college, but this is the age where we only get to borrow them for a time here and there as they prepare to take flight on their own more permanently.  It's practice for both of us, really.  I miss her already.

A Letter to My Daughter

A Letter to My Daughter

September 20, 2017

My beautiful girl, you are already well into your fourth week away from home—longer than you’ve ever been away from me.  It’s quieter here now, and I’m missing the sound of your laughter and the day-to-day chatter at home, on the soccer field, at the track, on the pool deck, and in the car. So, so many hours in the car! Although I sometimes wished you could cart yourself off to practice or to youth group in these past couple of years, I almost feel that your incredible commitment to NOT getting your license while you were in school was an inadvertent gift to me, because it afforded us so much time together.  Your sister was already grown and living her life in L.A., and although your brother was still at home, he was keen to exercise the freedom that all young college men with the keys to their own cars yearn for. 

So that left you and me, Kid, with lots of things to talk about, great and small.  And I cherish those times, whether we were talking about where you wanted to go to college and whether or not we could make it work financially, or talking about your friends and all your exploits together, or talking about your passions—church, photography, sports, or even talking about which Starbucks drink you were trying to talk me into buying you on the way home from school.  And even though we spent so much time together, I still feel like there were things I should have said—things I want you to know as you are creating a new life for yourself in your home away from home at college.  You’re going to have incredible experiences in college, but you might have some pretty rotten ones, too, and it makes me sad that I won’t be there by your side to help you navigate those experiences.  That’s okay, though.  It’s the way it’s supposed to be, and I’ll probably have a harder time with it than you will, truth be told.  Still, I’ll share a couple of bits of wisdom and advice that you probably know, but that I want you to hear again anyway:

First, I am incredibly proud of you.  Your determination and perseverance have surprised and delighted me since literally before you were born (that’s a story for another day).  Those traits have propelled you to challenge yourself both physically and intellectually, and have paved the way for you to become the independent young woman you are.  You know what you want, and you are ready to climb any mountain that stands in your way.  At the same time, you have a giving and loving spirit that gives you a heart of service, which is something I dearly love about you.

That determination and perseverance goes a long way.  However, sometimes, no matter how hard we work or push ourselves, circumstances beyond our control can thwart us.  Things aren’t always going to go your way; it’s a fact of life.  Sometimes, things will be downright awful.  We can’t control everything, but we can control how we respond.  Use your creativity to look at a problem in a new light, or to reframe the situation so that you can learn and grow from it.  Failure is only failure it you choose to view it as such.

You’re going to make mistakes.  Sometimes you won’t know you’re making a mistake until it’s too late, and sometimes you’ll make a mistake knowing full well it’s the wrong choice but in the moment you let your impulse take over, instead of your brain.  Just know that when—not if—you make a poor choice as you are learning to be an adult, I will never love you less for it, and I will support you as you work to right that mistake. 

College has a wealth of new experiences, and you alone are responsible for making sure you get all you can out of it.  Get yourself to classes, make sure you take care of your business, pay attention to deadlines.  Also, meet lots of friends, get involved, be a part of the culture of the place.  Be the one, as you always have been, to reach out and include those who seem to need someone to reach out and include them.  Find balance.  This is so important.  And if you get a few Bs along the way, don’t beat yourself up about it, and know that I won’t either.  (A “C” here or there won’t kill you either—and it won’t kill me.)  Balance, balance, balance.  Sleep, study, laugh, play, learn.  They’re ALL important.

From your mama, you got a basic belief in the goodness of people, and I am incredibly thankful for that.  However, as much as I believe in the goodness of people, I know that there are a few rotten apples out there.  You know this too.  Trust your instincts on this.  Like many young women, it’s hard to face the reality that there are people who might mean you harm.  At parties, stay with people you know.  Have a buddy system where you and your friend check in on each other.  NEVER take a drink from someone you don’t know, or that you didn’t see poured.  Better yet, take your own drink.  Be vigilant about not being cornered in a place where others can’t see you.  Don’t walk out on your own after dark.  This is a hard subject, because I don’t even begin to want to think about my baby girl in a situation where she could be in danger, but colleges can be notorious for too much alcohol, uninhibited behavior, and ‘friends’ who take advantage of being unsupervised by parents, sometimes for the first time in their lives.  And yes, these things happen even at Christian colleges.  You have often joked that you are strong enough to take on someone who wants to attack you.  You are fierce, you are strong—but you are one person, and any person, given the right circumstances, can be overcome.  And there are fierce, strong, and callous human beings, much as I hate to acknowledge it, who are sick, angry, entitled.  Caution and awareness are strengths, too.  Use those strengths.  Know this, though, loud and clear—if you are ever attacked, accosted, raped, no amount of anything you did or didn’t do, before or after, will make it your fault.  Ever. 

Ugh.  That was hard to write.  I didn’t even want to write the word “rape”, because it’s so hard to wrap my brain around the concept in relation to my own children.  I thought it was important to say, however, because I don’t ever want one of my kids to be ashamed to say the word to me if they are looking to me for support and love and comfort as a result of it.

Okay—last subject.  (For now.  I am your mama, after all, and I reserve the right to disseminate mama-ly advice until you’re, say, 93.  Yes, I have spectacular ambition when it comes to my own longevity.)  As I have said before, this is an age and a time when you’ll be discovering all kinds of experiences.  You might even fall in love.  Many people do, in college.  Some people don’t, and that’s perfectly fine, too.  If the right Prince Charming doesn’t sweep you off your feet, Honey, don’t settle for Prince Churlish.  There’s no timeline but your own when it comes to love.  If you do fall in love, there’s always the possibility of heartbreak.  You might love someone who doesn’t love you back, or who does for a time, and then moves on with his life.  It will feel like the end of the world.  Your heart will be crushed.  You won’t know how to be who you are anymore.  But please listen to this: you are a beautiful, talented, wonderful gift.  If you find a man who recognizes this and treats you accordingly, well, that’s a wise and wonderful human being.  But you are not beautiful, talented, and wonderful BECAUSE a boy might love you; if his love or infatuation falters, it does not lessen who you are.  This is a terribly hard lesson to remember in the depths of despair, but if you tuck this truth deep in your heart now, it will be there when you need to find your way back to you.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn—it took me many years to recover myself when I was young—but you are wiser than I was at your age.  And just like you may one day experience heart-break, you may also cause heart-break, even when you don’t want to.  You may find that the love you thought was there simply isn’t anymore.  Or you may find someone you find dear—someone you love, but aren’t in love with. This doesn’t make you a bad person; don’t hold on to love out of guilt or sadness.  Be gentle with a heart you no longer want to share, and be kind to that person who is, like you, a beautiful, talented, wonderful gift, who may struggle awhile to find his way back to himself as he is piecing back together his heart.

These are some of the things I think about now, as I’m riding alone in my car each day to the school we both shared, and while running errands throughout my week.  I am sure there are a million more conversations I’ll have with you in my head in between the short phone calls and the text messages back and forth, just like I thought about when your sister left for school or when your brother started college.  You all grow up, and you learn to move in a much bigger world than the tiny world of our home, but I want you to know: I will always be your mom, I will always want to share in a part of your world, I will always be here for you to offer advice or support, and I will always love you.  You are always in my heart, even when you are not sitting next to me.

Mama

Note to Paul

October 1, 2015

I sent this to Nicholas' former physics teacher and robotics coach today:

Just a little something I wanted to share: Nicholas is doing well in college so far--As and Bs. Hasn't missed a class yet. Joined three clubs: one that builds drones, one that builds solar-powered vehicles, and one that builds unmanned land vehicles. You know--the kind of stuff being on the robotics fab team has prepared him for. He does not love his required speech class, but his first speech was on a person deserving of respect and admiration. When I asked him who he spoke about, he said, in his very "Well, DUH!" Nicholas way, "Lake, of course. My teacher said it was an A or B speech, but he had to mark me down a little because I went over the time limit, because, well, there's just so much to say about Lake. So I'm fine with having gone over my time." So, you know--I thought you might like to hear that. smile emoticon

I'm sure he hears stuff like this all the time from his former students.  I'm sure he doesn't get tired of it. We are lucky to have had such a great mentor and role model for Nicholas all through high school.

First Day Pics

August 25, 2014

It's getting harder to get my kids to humor me and let me take 'First Day' pictures, but I managed it!  I even got Bree to send me a picture of her first day of her senior year of college (since I couldn't be there), and Danielle took a picture of my first day of my 25th year as well.  Since the kids have to have their experiences documented, I might as well too.  Senior year, senior year, and sophomore year--here they come!

 Danielle and the bestie, Megan.

 Duty bright and early the first week of school.  Me in my safety vest.

 Photobomb.

 Bree and the bestie Brandon--representing SDSU Ambassadors on the first day of school.

Nicholas and his girlfriend Treasa

UCLA Trip

February 5, 2013

Danielle earned admission into the CJSF organization again this year, and the group took a college site-seeing trip down to UCLA on Monday.  Several of her friends went too, and she said they had a great time.  One day, the kid is playing with CareBears and My Little Ponies, and the next day she's proudly sporting a UCLA sweatshirt and thinking about heading off to college.  Where did the time go?

Leadership Camp

January 13, 2013

This is a group photo of Bree and her fellow attendees at the leadership camp she attended this weekend.  She was selected to attend by virtue of her involvement in several organizations on campus.  I continue to be amazed and proud of all the things she's accomplishing at San Diego State.

Risky Business

October 27, 2012

Brianna's good friend Aaron has a birthday very close to Halloween, so he had a costume birthday party.  Bree and her roommates were there, along with several of her other friends.  A few of them decided to go as Tom Cruise's character in "Risky Business".  Should I be concerned that my college kid is running around without pants on at parties?

(**Okay, okay--they weren't pantsless.  They were strategically dressed to appear pantsless.That's what I'm going with, anyway.)

Aztec Pride

September 7, 2012

Bree and her friends showing off their Aztec pride as they get ready to watch the first football game of the season.

Dear College Students

September 6, 2012

 When you take that first step of adult independence--the step into college dorm life, it can be a little nerve-wracking, but really empowering.  You start off thinking, "Can I do this?  What if something goes wrong?  Am I really prepared am I to live on my own?"  You also start thinking, "I can go to bed whenever I want!  I can make my my own rules.  I can set my own schedule and go out when I want and have all-night movie marathons with my friends and watch the sunrise--even on a school night if I choose."  Some of you might even be thinking about other choices you have the opportunity to make without Mom and Dad looking over your shoulder.

When your first step is the dorms, you have the perfect opportunity to explore all of these new freedoms while keeping just a hint of a safety net.  There are people there to check in on you and to help negotiate tricky roommate disputes.  You have the freedom to come and go as you please, but you are free from some of the other responsibilities of the glamorous "grown-up" life, like cleaning your own bathroom or worrying about budgeting for the utility bills. If you're lucky, that first year in the dorms gives you just enough freedom to let you realize you really can make it on your own.

And then you hit year two.  Dorm living was such a success that you decide you're ready to take the next step and move into an apartment with a few friends--friends you know and love.  People you love spending all your time with.  You make your plans and shop for your apartment together.  You talk about how you'll furnish it and really create your shared living space.  And you agree that since you are all such good friends, everything will be perfect.

Except.

Except, living with someone in the dorms is different than living with someone in an apartment.  Sure, there are potential problems with a dorm mate--what time is lights out, what do you do if your he or she has a guest over and you're suddenly a third wheel in your own room?  But living in an apartment together definitely ups the ante.  Why?  Because it's as if you have taken your relationship to a new level.  There are new situations that arise and there is new terrain to negotiate.  As a matter of fact, you would do well to think of moving in together as a real relationship.  Rooming in the dorms?  That's casual dating.  Living in an apartment together means things are serious now.  What's the best way to keep a serious relationship healthy?  Communication, communication, and communication.  Without good communication you could wind up with hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and even loneliness.  You could even find yourself headed for a break-up of sorts. But breaking up with an apartment mate sometimes means lingering months after the flame has died out.  A lease can be a tricky thing to break, or at the very least, an expensive one.

So, how do you keep the communication alive?  A few simple ideas that can help:

1.  It's common courtesy to let your roommates (or boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife--whomever you share your space with) know where you're going and when you might be back.  I don't mean you have to ask permission, and I don't mean you can't be spontaneous.  What I do mean is don't make your friends worry about you and wonder if something's become of you if you're not home.  Not only is it courteous, but it's a smart precaution for you.

2.  It's also common courtesy to be respectful of your shared space.  If you have a boyfriend you'd like to invite over, or if you're hosting a horror movie night for seventeen of your closest friends,  it wouldn't be unreasonable for your roommates to be upset if they didn't know about it ahead of time.  Yes, it's your home, but it's their home, too. If one of your roommates has a huge paper due the next day and she can't get any studying or sleeping done because of the shrieks coming from the living room, you've put them in an uncomfortable and frustrating situation.

3.  Just like any 'couples' relationship, you want to carve out fun time with your roommates, but don't forget to save some time for 'me' space.  Most of us benefit from spending a little time communing with ourselves, getting to know ourselves, and helping ourselves grow as individuals.  If you spend all your time as part of a group, sometimes you risk losing yourself.

4.  BUT do find the fun.  Find the things you love to do together, and also allow yourself to have an open mind about new experiences that your roommates can introduce you to.  If your roommate's an art major, let them show you around a local artist's show.  If your roommate's studying classical music and you've never been to a concert that wasn't all about the hottest new indie band, try an evening of old, old school with them.  You get the idea.  You never know what might strike your fancy if you don't give it a try. 

**If there are multiple roommates, sometimes there's a tendency to pair off, or even worse break off into configuration where one roommate feels left out or like the 'back up' plan.  Be respectful of this possibility and make every effort to avoid this.  You wouldn't want to be the one who feels like they're flying solo in an apartment full of people--work to make sure none of your roommates feel like that either.

5.  Figure out a time once a week--a regular date--when you can all have a 'family meeting'.  Touch bases, negotiate issues that have come up during the week, figure out what chores everyone's going to take responsibility for doing that week (taking out the trash, for example, or cleaning the tub), and give each other a heads-up about the upcoming week's events.  If you feel a nasty cold coming on, or if you've got a speech and three papers due and two mid-terms in a week when your work has decided to schedule you an additional 10 hours on top of your normal 15, your roommates deserve to know.  A little bit of information ahead of time does wonders to avoid exploding at each other later in the week when exhaustion sets in and emotions and stress levels are high.  Agree in these meetings to simple set of civil rules:  no yelling, no accusing, no talking over one another, no eye-rolling, no holding in issues that might lead to resentment further down the road.  You know, agree to the rules of GOOD communication.  It takes practice, so PRACTICE.  I promise it will carry over into your other relationships now and in the future.  You don't always have to come to complete consensus, but you do have to figure out how to create solutions and compromises that everyone can work with.

6.  Money can be hugely problematic.  Read any contemporary magazine article on relationships and you'll see that the biggest issue that drives couples apart is disagreements over money--how it's spent, how it's saved.  This is not any different in any group of people who have some communal responsibilities.  You probably don't have to share funds for your clothes or your own personal toiletries, but if you're sharing a kitchen, you're probably sharing the grocery bill.  Toilet paper?  Dish washing detergent? Yeah, you're probably sharing that, too.  No need to have four different pepper shakers if there are four of you living together, right?  So it's reasonable that in those weekly family meetings, you make a budget that suits you all.  If you all pitch in together to stock your cupboards and your fridge with food to sustain you all, be sure you know what everyone is willing and able to contribute.  But if your favorite snack food is imported Belgium chocolate and no one else eats it, don't put that one the community shopping list and make everyone else chip in.  Similarly, if your roommate buys specialty tray of gourmet cheeses and you have a dairy allergy, you shouldn't be expected to fund their cheese obsession.

7.  And all those things you buy with your own money?  You like them, right?  You must, presumably, or you wouldn't have purchased them.  Your roommates probably have similar attachments to the things they've bought.  So, tempting as it might be, don't grab that new sweater out of the roomie's closet for your upcoming date tonight because she's not around and you're 'sure she won't mind'.  I don't care how generous you are or your roommate is, asking to take or borrow what is not yours still hasn't gone out of style. 

Negotiating how to deal with roommates can be tricky and sometimes a little frustrating.  It's all about learning to bring together various communication styles to make them work the most effectively with those people at that time.  The bonus is that if you learn to navigate the roommate relationships, that will only serve as practice for your future relationships--relationships with your boss and co-workers, relationships with your future partner, with the other moms and dads on the PTA.  College apartment living is one more step into your future.  You're on your way!

Twister!

Sept. 1, 2012

At the beginning of the school year, San Diego State made history by breaking the Guinness World Record for the largest playable Twister board.  (The board was 24,480 square feet!)  Naturally, Bree, her roommates, and lots of her friends were on hand to test out the board.  Why didn't my college do fun stuff like this?

Bree's First Apartment

August 25, 2012

Although I wasn't able to be with Bree on the day she moved in, I was able to take a little trip down south just a few days later for the weekend.  Bree and her roommates were largely settled in, but there were some things they thought they still needed to make their house a home:  some cooking utensils, an ironing board, a broom, some groceries.  She and I made the trip to the local Target (where is the newest employee) to stock up.  When we came back to the apartment, her roommates and I helped her unpack and put away everything.  I think I handled everything well, this being not much different from helping her move into the dorms last year.  And yet, I will say there was a brief moment, quickly pushed back into the subconscious, when I saw the girls sitting at the dining room table and it occurred to me that one day--perhaps not very long from now--there would be holidays spent at her own home, in her own kitchen, with her own family.  The future is not so far away as I would like to believe.

 Bree with two of her roommates, Anna and Jessica.