Beliefs and Values

April 6, 2009

When we are very young, we get our belief systems and values, whatever they may be, imparted to us through our parents or other influential adults in our lives. We see what they do, and how they behave, and hear what they speak. For some of us, the teaching is direct, and for others of us, the teaching is more through example, or experience.

For most of us, the teenage years are a process of beginning to question those core value systems. Some question those values in a loud and vehement demonstration that rejects all authority, some do it in a quiet, introspective way. There's lots of in-between, too. There's no question that that's why the teen years can be such difficult ones to traverse, both for the teen in question and the parents involved.

Now, admittedly, there are some who never delve much into questioning their parents, and there are some who do a complete 180 just to spite their parents, rather than through a conscious choice to adhere to a particular belief set. But for most of us, at that age when we are starting to come into our own and are beginning to navigate the waters of adulthood, we begin to see that, "Because Mom and Dad say so" is not a strong enough basis for a belief system. We want to know WHY. We begin to weigh the merits of this belief over that one, and why we should choose to behave in a particular manner and not in another. We decide what makes sense to us, and what perhaps needs a little rethinking in our own minds to sit comfortably in our own psyches.

Some of us ultimately come back to a values set that is remarkably similar to our parents' and some of us stray about as far as we can go. More often than not, though, it is a middle ground where we find ourselves, adapting to a new era, a new generation, a new social set of circumstances. What I find interesting, though, and not just a little disturbing, is the view that because I believe a particular thing (about religion, about philosophy, about social policies, about politics, etc.) that may be different than someone else's belief, it must be because I am blindly following someone else's values set (my parents'?) and not my own.

I am my own person with beliefs that I have wrestled through and considered deeply. I have asked the questions why? and why not? I have questioned the way in which I was raised, and the impact it had on me as a human being, as a person with a tiny place in this grand universe. And yet, I do not claim to have all of the answers. I do not claim that anyone who believes differently than I do is wrong, or is blindly ignorant, or worse yet, stupid. I can recognize that if someone's view of the world is different than mine is, there can be merit to that viewpoint. As long as one's beliefs don't infringe on the freedoms or well-beings of other individuals, I am open to hearing those viewpoints. If, ultimately, I disagree, it doesn't mean that I think that person is, by default, a blindly following sheep. I can respect their line of thinking--I can respect them as a person--without having to agree with their world view.

Ironically, I am not always met with the same open-mindedness. I resent the implication that because I don't hold exactly the same belief set as someone else, it must be because I am not intelligent enough to have considered the 'right' answer. There are those who say with derision (or worse, pity) that I have derived my beliefs from my parents and the way I was raised. It's amazing to me to think they believe they are not influenced by their upbringing--it is impossible to objectively dissociate one's self from one's childhood; of course we are all influenced by it. There are those who say because I hold this belief or that I am an ignorant follower--and yet they want me to, without question, follow their lead, because they have the 'right' answer? I welcome questions, I welcome intelligent discussion, and I welcome dynamic interaction that leads us all to a greater understanding of where we are all coming from. This is how we define and redefine why and how we believe what we believe. These conversations cannot be held if one side is only interested in mocking the other. It's interesting (and sad) to me that those who often claim to be the most 'open-minded' because of their 'progressive and unique views' (shared by many, often including their own parents) are the ones least interested in engaging in real discussion.

Like most parents, I hope to show my children what I believe about religion, philosophy, social policies, politics, etc. Even more than that, I hope to show them why I believe such things. Part of that why will be because I believe that no human being has all the 'right' answers, and that by being truly open to others' ideas, we all continue to grow and gain new insights. I don't want my children to blindly follow my lead, or anyone else's. I want them to know that it's okay to question why, and as a matter of fact, I want them to question why. Most importantly, I want them to know that when they have beliefs and values that sometimes come into conflict with mine, as I know they will, that I welcome an open, honest, and intelligent discussion with them that does not belittle or demean either of our viewpoints. There are too many other people in the world who want to make life's discussions a battlefield.