Reflection

January 31, 2020

This body, too big, too soft to warrant notice,

has been molded, shaped, designed

by lovingly guarding and caring for
the parts of you you could not face

the parts of you you could not hold

and still see the you you wanted to see in the mirror.

I tucked them away, holding them for you while growing heavy
with the weight I took from you.

You hid them where you knew they would be safe
from disdain or scorn--

loved, and understood.  Comforted and caressed.

And I grew with the weight of it all,
satisfied that the softness and the size of me

was your oasis

Until

One day, you looked at the shape of me

and could only see your reflection, and all that you wished 

to turn away from.

Found Poetry, Book Title Edition

January 24, 2020

One moment...incendiary.
Catalyst.
Everything, everything-
things not seen, big little lies.
After the game,
emotionally weird.
Vanishing acts...

Diving Right In

January 2, 2020

I bought a plecostomus for my fish tank today--you know, the algae eaters that help keep the tank clean.  My little betta fish (Swim Shady) might enjoy the company after a few months of solitude, I'm thinking.  One of the things I remember from having a fish tank growing up is that you need to float a new fish in the tank in its own baggie of water for a time so the fish can acclimate to the temperature of the environment before releasing him into the 'wild'.  So I tried that--floating the fish.   Turns out, every time I tried to situate the baggie, the little sucker (see what I did there?) shimmied his way up to the part of the baggie without water and sort of beached himself there.  Now, I don't know off the top of my head how long you're supposed to acclimate a fish, but I'm thinking it's longer than the amount of time a fish can survive without water.  And that little guy was stubbornly refusing to stay wet!  So I decided this fish is a 'jump in with both fins' sort of a fish.

Sometimes in life you need a slow tip-toe into the pool, and sometimes it makes more sense to dive right in.  The trick is knowing which is which.  So we ever really know?  I suppose we'll find out tomorrow if my new friend's daredevilry paid off.

Rise and Shine

January 1, 2020

Last year a friend talked about the idea of choosing a meaningful word that would serve as a mantra and an ideal to which one could aspire all year long.  I love that idea.  Last year I chose the word RISE to guide me.  Many of you know that last year didn't start off well.  I was in utter turmoil, trying to figure out all of the hows, whys, and what-ifs of a relationship in crisis.  My self-esteem, not exactly my strong suit to begin with, took a complete nose-dive while I grappled with that 'not enough' feeling that many of us struggle with.  Crisis in a relationship only highlights and amplifies those voices in our heads that so many of us try to stifle on a daily basis.

So, there I was, trying to figure out what my future was going to look like and how to let go of the promise of a life-long path we had envisioned together.  I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot more time feeling like if I acknowledged what was clearly going to end, I would be giving up.  Failing.  I was holding my breath on the far-off, remote possibility that the path would right itself, when in reality I knew it would not.  The future I had envisioned, the growing old together in laughter, love, and comfort of a soul I thought I knew so well, had dissipated.  It was a future I had trusted in, and that trust was gone.  I was clinging to a hazy myth, a story that had ended.

When I saw that one-word challenge, then, I decided I would choose a word I WANTED to be my mindset, even if I didn't feel it right then.  I wanted to rise above my current state; I wanted to rise above the very loud and insistent voices in my head that threatened--and often did in those early 2019 months--to drag me under and leave me gasping for breath.  I wanted to rise to a place where I could learn to see a different but still beautiful and positive road ahead of me.  I wanted to rise up to the challenge of putting one step in front of the other, one day at a time, knowing that if I could concentrate on moving forward, I'd be okay.  I wanted to be the Phoenix and RISE, brilliant and beautiful, regenerating a new life out of the ashes of the old.  And though it was a long process, and I didn't always feel like I was living up to my mantra, rise I did, closing out the year in a much stronger and healthier place.

I don't know if that word helped me, or just accompanied me on the road to reclaiming me, but I do know that sometimes when I was hiding in the dark spaces in my mind, I would hear a voice whisper "rise", quiet, but firm.  It's like I planted a little seed and it grew even when I forgot it was there.  Like a talisman, I'll take it on faith that it protected me and warmed me when I needed it.  So this year, I believe I'll take on another mantra to guide me into these next twelve months.  Last year I needed to rise, simply to regain my equilibrium--to not sink.  This year, however, I have decided my word is SHINE.  As I have risen to meet my new life already, the focus this year will be on making that new life one of joy and happiness.  Not just seeing a new road ahead, but embracing it fully, eager to see and experience all that lies ahead on the adventure.  Last year was about surviving; this year is about making that survival shine.