Rise and Shine

January 1, 2020

Last year a friend talked about the idea of choosing a meaningful word that would serve as a mantra and an ideal to which one could aspire all year long.  I love that idea.  Last year I chose the word RISE to guide me.  Many of you know that last year didn't start off well.  I was in utter turmoil, trying to figure out all of the hows, whys, and what-ifs of a relationship in crisis.  My self-esteem, not exactly my strong suit to begin with, took a complete nose-dive while I grappled with that 'not enough' feeling that many of us struggle with.  Crisis in a relationship only highlights and amplifies those voices in our heads that so many of us try to stifle on a daily basis.

So, there I was, trying to figure out what my future was going to look like and how to let go of the promise of a life-long path we had envisioned together.  I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot more time feeling like if I acknowledged what was clearly going to end, I would be giving up.  Failing.  I was holding my breath on the far-off, remote possibility that the path would right itself, when in reality I knew it would not.  The future I had envisioned, the growing old together in laughter, love, and comfort of a soul I thought I knew so well, had dissipated.  It was a future I had trusted in, and that trust was gone.  I was clinging to a hazy myth, a story that had ended.

When I saw that one-word challenge, then, I decided I would choose a word I WANTED to be my mindset, even if I didn't feel it right then.  I wanted to rise above my current state; I wanted to rise above the very loud and insistent voices in my head that threatened--and often did in those early 2019 months--to drag me under and leave me gasping for breath.  I wanted to rise to a place where I could learn to see a different but still beautiful and positive road ahead of me.  I wanted to rise up to the challenge of putting one step in front of the other, one day at a time, knowing that if I could concentrate on moving forward, I'd be okay.  I wanted to be the Phoenix and RISE, brilliant and beautiful, regenerating a new life out of the ashes of the old.  And though it was a long process, and I didn't always feel like I was living up to my mantra, rise I did, closing out the year in a much stronger and healthier place.

I don't know if that word helped me, or just accompanied me on the road to reclaiming me, but I do know that sometimes when I was hiding in the dark spaces in my mind, I would hear a voice whisper "rise", quiet, but firm.  It's like I planted a little seed and it grew even when I forgot it was there.  Like a talisman, I'll take it on faith that it protected me and warmed me when I needed it.  So this year, I believe I'll take on another mantra to guide me into these next twelve months.  Last year I needed to rise, simply to regain my equilibrium--to not sink.  This year, however, I have decided my word is SHINE.  As I have risen to meet my new life already, the focus this year will be on making that new life one of joy and happiness.  Not just seeing a new road ahead, but embracing it fully, eager to see and experience all that lies ahead on the adventure.  Last year was about surviving; this year is about making that survival shine.