March 11, 2014
My daughter cracks me up. She had to write "10 Pieces of Advice" for an English assignment, and true to form, she decided to take a tongue-in-cheek approach. Here's her take on being a good driver.
Ten Tips to Be a Successful Driver
1. Never stop for pedestrians
The road was designed for cars, not humans; put them in their place. They have sidewalks, so if you need to nudge pedestrians a little, go for it.
2. Your horn is there for a reason
It wouldn't be installed to just sit there; use it and abuse it. Horns are the way cars communicate. Be prepared for a full-on horn battle, but make sure that you can deal with what you dish out.
3. Turn up the tunes
Don't be selfish, crank up the radio and roll down the windows. Let everyone absorb the glorious music that you have to share. Obviously all the surrounding drivers will be grateful for the obnoxious, heavy jams, that you too enjoy rocking out to.
4. When parallel parking, be encouraging
Believe in yourself and go for it. You're not THAT big, you can fit into the spot. Your car will eventually squeeze in. Who cares about the gaping holes and monstrous scratches in the adjacent cars?
5. Keep your phone in sight at all times
Nobody follows the laws anymore, what harm will it do, your phone is way more important. I mean, what if you left your phone in the backseat and got a snap chat from your bestie, or someone comments on your post, and you just ignore it? They would hate you forever, and there would be a brawl of besties. Not having your phone causes drama. Keep it close.
6. Speeding relieves stress
Do you ever just have a horrible day? Well the best way to turn that frown upside down, is to put the pedal to the metal. Make a game out of it. Set the timer on your handy dandy phone, and see how many small creatures you can turn into roadkill in ten minutes.
7. If you hit a car, drive like the wind
Fast and furious.Test your car's limits. The fuzz will never catch you, and you will be good to go. If there's a crash, what's the point of staying; knowing how fast you drive, they are probably goners.
8. When you hear a siren, slow down
Go as slow as possible, when any emergency vehicle is behind you. You need to teach them to go the speed limit, and shut off the blinding, patriotic lights. If they are the ones that want to keep you safe, why do they go so fast? They are going to crash.
9. Always have alcohol handy
Just keep an open bottle in the cupholder. You never know when you'll need an extra boost of confidence. Just think of the perks you could get if a thirsty police officer pulls you over and you conveniently have an ice cold beer saved just for him.
10. Resist police arrest
Never believe what officers will say, most are high school dropouts. Get out of arrest any way possible; you'll never survive in jail. If you have tried every method, just request the striped jumpsuit; orange is so out of style.