I Have Learned

June 1, 2011

A little something I found that I thought offered up some good advice, particularly as we move into graduation season....

I've learned-

that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

By Omer B. Washington

Thought for the Day

May 23, 2010
If you look for what's bad in others, you will surely find it. If instead you choose to seek the positive in others to bring into your life, you can certainly find that as well. Life, emotions, relationships, motives, perceptions--these things are not black and white. The benefit of the doubt is yours to give.

Letter to My Seventeen Year Old Self

April 24, 2010

I saw this on Fidgeting Gidget's blog the other day, so I hope she doesn't mind if I borrow the idea.

I teach high school seniors, and we are in the spring of prom, finals, AP exams, and end-of-the-year senior celebrations. There are new relationships blossoming, and others crumbling under the weight of separate colleges on the horizon or the promise of new-found independence ahead. Some friends are pledging eternal bonds, while others are succumbing to the rumors and gossip that can be fuel to the fire in a high school social hierarchy. Some students are relishing the idea of moving away from home, away from parents, away from what they see as provincial life, while others are terrified of losing the safety net that's been under their feet for the past seventeen years. The drama can be all-consuming.

What I wouldn't give to be able to impart what I have learned about this era in life to the kids I teach--relax, and enjoy it all. The reality is, though, that it's a lesson we all have to figure out on our own--it's part of the process of growing up--knowing what to appreciate, and knowing what to let go of. If I had had someone to tell me these things when I was seventeen, in a way that I would really hear, these are some of the words of advice that would have been helpful (I'll pass, for now, on advice about hair and fashion sense, though that might also have been useful at the time):

Dear Donna,

You've almost made it--the light at the end of the tunnel is near. You've worked very hard for everything you've earned, and you have a right to enjoy it. But while you're counting down these last few weeks of your high school experience, there are a few things I'd like you to think about, to consider.

---Take pictures--lots of them. You think you'll be able to hold on to these days as the best of times, but you'll miss not having pictures of these days later in life. A picture really is worth a thousand words, and a thousand memories.

---Try not to take yourself so seriously. Your grades are important to you, and they should be. But later in life, no one's going to ask you about that time you were Salutatorian in high school. They will ask you what you were like, what you did for fun, who your friends were, what you thought about. You are more than your grades; make sure you have something to show for it.

---When you're thinking about college, don't sell yourself short. There's nothing wrong with Fresno State, but don't limit your options just because you think you have to. And, by the way, while you're there at college, open your eyes every once in awhile to some of the other things going on around campus. Experience it; live it. Don't let your college memories be just about books and classrooms.

---Get your driver's license now. Why wait until you're out of school? It might be fun to experience some of that freedom like so many of the rest of your friends.

---Your best friend? She's not going to be around to stay in touch into your twilight years. Make the most of the times you have together now. Write letters, take pictures. Call a little more often when you go off to college and she's still in high school. Spend time together and don't take that time for granted. Some people leave this earth much sooner than we are prepared for.

---And the boy who dumped you a couple of months before prom and broke your heart? The one you believed you'd marry some day? I know it seems like the end of the world. You feel the shattered pieces of you are too fragile to repair, too damaged to be fully whole again. I know it seems like you'll never survive. You will. Remember to breathe. Remember to take each day as it comes. Remember to not let yourself be defined by the loss. I know it's tough, but I promise it will get better. And eventually, it'll be great. And, by the way, the friend you actually do end up going with to the prom? Yeah, you and he will have a great time. The first boy, the heartbreaker, is not a bad guy, by the way--just a kid like you, trying to navigate his way through the same teen angst and insecurities you are. He turns out to be a pretty good guy in the end.

---Oh--and at the prom, when you double date with your sister, perhaps think about the fact that if both of the guys are wearing white tuxes (I'm not making any judgments here--that kind of thing is cool in the 80s), perhaps having dinner at an upscale Italian restaurant where red marinara sauce is the featured ingredient is not such a good idea. I'm just sayin'. Someone should have thought that one through a little better.

---You may not know it now, but your mom's world is crashing down around her right about now as well. She, like you, will eventually discover that life goes on, and can even get better. But right now? Cut her some slack. When she needs to take a little vacation from everything for a few days, let her. She'll come back, and life will go on.

---That little group of friends that was such a sense of comfort and safety and love last year is the real deal. Across years and miles, that bond is unbreakable. These are the people who will love you your whole life. This is the family you choose. They are the ones who will come back to you.

--Sometimes it seems like you are a bit of an outsider for sticking to your guns about what you believe in. That's okay. Those are the things that make you who you are, and there are people who respect that about you. You might not know it now, but you will someday.

--Summer is around the corner--that stepping stone between high school and college, between childhood and adulthood. It's gonna be a big one, so have the confidence to make the most of it. It's important to look back to see where you have come from, but don't forget to look forward, too.

It's often said that high school is the best time of your life. I can understand that. Rarely do you come back to that place where you feel everything so deeply, so purely, so extravagantly. Each high is unsurpassed, and every low seems like the end of the world. The reality is, though, that high school is a small world, and there's so much more out there beyond those walls. Before you know it, these days will be fading away in the rearview mirror. Sometimes you'll fall as you forge ahead, and sometimes you'll surprise yourself with all that you're capable of. If you make the most of it, if you reach out for all that is out there, the best is yet to come.

A Letter To My Niece

April 8, 2010

Yesterday I found out (via Facebook status update, no less!) that my oldest niece had gotten married. Needless to say, I was a bit shocked to find out this way, but it's not as bad as it seems. She and her finance Brandon have been planning a wedding for the upcoming Fall, and they are still planning to have that big formal celebration with family and friends at their sides. Legally, though, they tied the knot yesterday. I now have a new nephew and a married niece. Seriously--when did I become old enough to have a married niece??




In light of her new role as wife, I'd like to offer her some advice about what I've learned about marriage in the past several years--some of which I learned the hard way.

Dear Tiff,

As you move side by side through this life with Brandon, there are a few things that will help you enjoy the best of times and survive the worst of times:

--Remember that marriage is hard work. Like parenting, it's GOOD work, but make no mistake that it IS work. If you stop working at being a partner, you stop being a partner.

--Laugh with each other every single day. It will keep you young indefintely, and help you to always remember the smile that you love in each other today.

--You know that old saying that tells you never to go to bed angry? It's a great goal, but it might not happen. It's okay if you go to bed angry every once in awhile. Just don't throw things. Sometimes you need the space before you can have a calm conversation.

--If you fight, try lowering your voice rather than raising it. It encourages the other person to listen harder to what you have to say.

--When you disagree, make it more important to respect each other's perspective than it is to be RIGHT.

--Know that you are two different people, and you won't always agree on every issue. Sometimes, unless it's a deal-breaker issue, it's okay to agree to disagree.

--The best way to be a strong and loving partner to your husband is to be strong and true to yourself. You cannot be a contributing partner if you lose yourself, so make sure you each nurture your own interests and pursuits.

--Be each other's biggest cheerleaders. Always.

--Mind-reading is not part of marriage. When you have concerns, speak your mind, calmly and respectfully. It's not fair to assume that your partner knows when you are happy, angry, unsatisfied, joyful, content, or hurt. Let him know so that he can share in your joy, or support you in your pain. Even if--especially if--he is the cause of your pain at that moment.

--Don't belittle each other, even in jest, and especially not in front of other people. It gives others permission to think less of you than you deserve.

--Be an amazing addition in the lives of your step-children, but remember to respect the relationship they have with their own mother. Note that I did not say you have to respect her or her choices; sometimes this is not possible. However, respecting that the children have and desire a bond with their mother is a gift that you give to them. Doing your part to have a cordial relationship with all the people who touch their lives shows them by example how to be mature, respectful people. Someone else's poor behavior shouldn't be an excuse for you to stoop to their level--think of it as an opportunity to model taking the high road for your kids. Sometimes it will mean biting your tongue when it would be satisfying to say something hurtful. That's okay. Go ahead and bite your tongue. Kids are smart; they'll know when they're older who was there for them without you having to say it now.

--Strive to create the relationship you want your own children to seek out when they're older. Children learn what they see, what they live. When your daughter is old enough to start looking for her own partner in life, you should know that she has seen the very best kind of relationship, and that she need not settle for less than that.

--Give your children everything that they need, and a little of what they want. Let them learn the value of working for things.

--Take traditions from your own families and make them your own. Create new traditions together as well. Traditions speak to what you value, and bond a family in ways you might not even know.

--Let family, immediate family and extended family, be a priority in your life. Family is forever.

--Hold hands. Kiss often. Hug freely. Cuddle. Say "I love you," and mean it. Share the affection you have for one another and your children, so that they don't have to guess how you feel. Be the couple who, in old age, others see and say, "Aw...look how they still care about each other after all these years!"

Tiffany and Brandon, I wish you all the best. Congratulations on the path you have chosen to travel together. I wish you a long, happy, and beautiful journey!

Love,
Aunt Donna