Friday, April 17, 2009


So, I've been trying to figure out for quite sometime now why a particular person's opinion continues to hold such importance to me, and I think I've finally figured out why I've been holding onto a relationship (for lack of a better word) with a ghost from my past. You'd think I might have figured it out before, but no. We were inseperable for a time, but then, without much warning, I was expendable. This happens to all of us at one time or another, I suppose, but because I didn't really know why it happened, it caused me to question my judgment. Did I just think we were close? What did I do (or not do) to cause the rift? What was it about me that made it easy to walk away? Was I not smart enough? Pretty enough? Interesting enough? Just not....enough?

Those questions, I think, have colored who I am. I still question, with most people, if they think of our friendship or relationship in the same way I do. I don't always trust myself to believe that our friendship is as important to them as I think it is. That makes me sound pretty insecure, but the reality is I have a very close circle of safe friends with whom I absolutely believe I've found acceptance and love. And I'm very happy with my life. But every now and then, life takes its natural course and one person turns left while the other continues straight ahead. It happens, and that's okay. But I still find myself trying to prove to myself that I am smart enough, pretty enough, interesting enough. And I sometimes look to others to reassure me that I am. Enough. That's not their job; it's mine.

So, great. I've got it all figured out. Well, the why, anyway. What do to with that information? I don't know. I guess being my own therapist only goes so far.

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