So Many Shades

 January 10, 2022

When we were very young, and our parents or teachers wanted us to learn our colors, they knew better than to try to teach every shade.  It's too overwhelming.  When we learn the color blue, for example, we learn the blue that is in the 8-count box of crayons.  Simple.  Easily identifiable.  Then we start to branch out to the vast array of shades of blue, slowly over time.  Yes, that's blue too--light blue, denim blue, sky blue, midnight blue, etc.  We also gradually learn that there are more meanings for the word blue besides that which describes a hue: blues music, feeling depressed.  There is so much more depth and shade in a single word than we could ever imagine when we were children.

Relationships are like that too, at a young age.  Children relate to each other at the most basic level, and that's all they need.  "You like playing on the swings too?  We are now best friends!"  As we grow up we realize that there's a lot more to it, but that too comes about gradually.  As we start learning about our own likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests, communication styles, and habits, we start connecting with new friends based on those things, and we grow away from others who might have loved to swing on the swing with us in kindergarten but had traveled down different paths in their exploration of the world.  We find ourselves having formed connections and circles that cater to what we already know about ourselves and those with whom we surround ourselves.  It's gradual, but as grown ups we often find ourselves with a set group of relationships we've grown into comfortably.  These are our safe people, our beloved people.  These are the ones who have learned all those quirks and idiosyncrasies, all those qualities both endearing and occasionally annoying, and have decided in their heads and their hearts that in the balance your endearing qualities prevail and they have decided--you have collectively decided--that you belong in each others' lives. These are your people.

But of course we know that in this world, sometimes catastrophic events can occur that rip at the fabric of a closely developed relationship.  You lose a spouse or are betrayed by a dear friend.  It can be something that irrevocably changes our circumstances and we have to start out anew.  Now, however, we are acutely aware of time in a way in which we aren't as kids.  Nothing is as simple as "We both like Rom-Coms", so obviously we are meant to be in a relationship.  We know that there are so many shades, so many nuances that make two people's complex and layered lives interlock.  There is a lot to unfold, but because we feel time nipping at our heels, we feel like we have to learn everything in a crash course, learning the details of those shades at warp speed:  Are you a morning person or a night person? Do you like cats or dogs? Are you allergic to pets? To nuts? To cheese? (Being allergic to cheese would be tough, man.) Do you like the beach? Have you traveled? Are you a football-and-beer kind of person, or a wine-tasting-and-sunset-cruise kind of person? Or are you both? Are you someone who never lets the gas tank go below half, or are the type who likes to live on the edge and push it a day or two after the 'needs fuel' light comes on? Do you like to hold hands and hug, or do you not need to be velcroed to one another in order to feel connected? Are you a parent? What kind of parent are you? What's your stance on global warming? Vaccines? Immigration reform? Does pineapple belong on a pizza? What's your love language? Do you communicate using complete sentences? Can you actually spell the words in those complete sentences? How often do you laugh? Who do you talk to when you cry? How do you handle anger? Do you consider yourself an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist?  How do you feel about spirituality? Are you a kind person?  No, really--are you a KIND person?

There's a lot.  And playing the lightening round at this stage of life can feel a little daunting.  We've all developed so many shades of blue that finding someone whose shades are mostly complementary can feel impossible.  At the end of the day, though, we keep looking, because we are all hoping to find one whose shades blend so seamlessly with ours that it paints a beautiful and lasting relationship.